Tourniquet
by Midnight-Solace
Summary: A short story on Al's feelings.


**Ok A story on Al cause I thought he deserved another one. I'm sorry it so rushed coming onto the middle and I'm sorry if I got scenes in the book mixed up. I dedicate this story to IHeartUCato who heavily motivated me to finish this story. I do not own Divergent. Enjoy.**

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To be forgiven, that's all he wanted.

He had never belonged in Dauntless he had known that. His aptitude result had come back as Candor, through and through he was honest, like glass he reflected the truth no matter how painful it may be, he saw the truth no matter how harsh it was and right now he did not like the truth he had discovered about himself.

'Why had he transferred to Dauntless then?' he questioned himself and a vision of his parents came to him. 'Right,' He thought bitterly. They had desperately wanted their son to be Dauntless, had outright told him to become Dauntless to fulfil the dreams they never could be themselves. He couldn't disappoint them and they played on this, his fear of disappointing the people who had nurtured him to a point of smothering him. They couldn't see what they were doing to him, repeating the cycle his own strictly Candor Grandparents had pushed upon them. So upon the day of his choosing he looked at his five options:

The calm water, which was now, dyed an eerie colour with blood, representing Erudite- the faction of the Intelligent. Al Knew he would not fit into this faction not with his grades.

The smooth, grey stones which were now covered in blood, representing Abnegation- the faction of the Selfless. Nor would he fit in here as he was selfish, honestly everyone was a little selfish and repressing greed was not an easy task.

The prosperous soil of Amity- the faction of the Friendly and Understanding. Maybe it would be nice to go there however that would be the ultimate shame, joining the enemy of his birth faction.

So with those three gone that only left two factions. His dilemma, the sparkling glass of Candor that could be seen through the thick blood of those who had already chosen it or the black coals of Dauntless which looked just eerie as Erudite's water with blood upon them.

Should he be Truthful or Daring, Candid or Courageous, Honesty or Bravery? Which did he hold in higher regard...? He honestly didn't know. He took one last look at the hopeful demanding eyes of his parents which conveyed more truth than their words ever could. Choose Dauntless or we will never forgive you.

And so steeling himself, he sliced his wrist with the knife choosing Dauntless. And while he could hear the silent yet loud cheer of his parent's eyes. All he could think of was the crimson of his regret which now rested upon dauntless stones. The rest of the ceremony was a blur as Al didn't pay attention to anything, he wasn't even fully aware when the Dauntless began to run and he just followed them and thanks to his size and weight he made it into the train very clumsily but he made it. He couldn't change his decision now but he wasn't sure he'd ever forgive himself for it.

He first noticed her on the roof. He'd been so caught up on his thoughts on the train that he almost didn't jump off. However once he saw her all his worrying was forgotten.

She was beautiful, striking. She was the only Abnegation transfer of the lot. She had pale blonde hair which was in simple bun. She was checking her skin for signs of injury from her jump. She was a tiny thing. His heart sank as he realised who else had transferred from his old faction, the Faction bully Peter and his lackeys Molly and Drew were laughing at a joke Peter had made in regards to the beautiful girl.

She looked small and delicate like if she wouldn't make it through the Dauntless initiation which would be rough and if jumping off of the train didn't prove that much then what came next would definitely prove it.

They had to jump off of a ledge without knowing what awaited them at the bottom. It was a terrifying situation. However the Dauntless infront of them cleared a path for them calmly. No one at all was very eager to jump of and then she stepped forward.

She stands proudly and makes her way towards the edge of the building, snickers mostly form Peter, Molly and Drew as well as a few Dauntless born followed her and the Dauntless leader Max stepped aside for her. She looks down and her body goes rigid with determination. She removes her shirt revealing a tight gray t-shirt beneath. She then balls it up and looking over her shoulder tosses it at Peter, it hits him squarely in the chest. He felt slight jealousy and anger as the catcalls went up. He wished this interesting girl had chosen to throw her shirt at him. And then she just jumps.

Al had decided there and then that that girl would be his. She was the reason he would survive initiation. She'd become his salvation.

Soon cheers could be heard from the bottom and Christina decided to jump next, soon one by one everyone was jumping off of the roof. When Al jumped he had to admit it wasn't so bad however what greeted him when he landed was. A young boy who appeared to be a few years older than them was standing with his hand on the Abnegation girl's back. He couldn't help but to instantly dislike the handsome boy with deep-set eyes that were deep-blue.

He remembered feeling deeply jealous later that night when after Four had established himself as their Instructor. He had been sitting alone at one of the tables in the dining hall. He'd been searching for the Abnegation girl, Tris the First jumper as he heard some members chatting excitedly about her. Only to find her sitting at a table wedged between a girl from his former Faction and their instructor. He didn't like that their Instructor was so close to her.

That night he breaks down as the weight of his decision hit him. He chosen to leave behind the only comfort he'd ever known his Candor home to come to a place where he might not even survive. And for all their faults he honestly did miss his family. He cannot help but to break down and despite his attempts he can't keep his sobbing quiet. He wishes that Tris who was in the bunk next to him would try to comfort him, but she didn't and the thought that he might not be able to win her over made him cry even more.

Learning to shoot a gun wasn't that bad and maybe he could impress Tris with it however his sniper skills weren't as sharp as he'd hoped but it wasn't as though Tris had even noticed him. She was too busy with her own skill which wasn't that good either. He felt the familiar Jealousy as Will an Erudite transfer leaned over and shared something with her, that makes her eyes light up with determination and she turns back to the target and manages to hit the edge of the board and after 5 rounds she finally manages to hit the centre.

After shooting practice He headed into the dining hall again alone and this time was intercepted by Christina one of the transfer from his old Faction who demanded that he sit with Tris and her for lunch. He felt joy at the fact that he got to sit next to her. However the joy quickly became a pang of regret as he noticed Tris didn't seem to be paying much attention to him. But he sure he could win her over.

Next came fighting. He felt terrible after he'd knocked out Will, the first true friend he'd felt like he'd had in a long time and vowed to never to never hurt anyone with his strength again. Instead he just took blows and fell down, feigning unconsciousness. He could feel Eric's disgusted glances at his performance and knew that this was gravely going to hurt his mark but he didn't care. Once Candor always Candor he guessed, He didn't like the feeling knocking out Will, had given him in fact it had scared him and so this was his brain and body's way of manifesting it simply put refusing to fight.

But she wasn't afraid to fight no she was more determined than ever to win. He remembered watching his blonde angel fight against Peter, the brute and his oldest tormentor from Candor. Peter was brutal showing her no mercy and even though she stood no chance of winning she still tried to fight. Her brutal determination kept her going even when she was down in a pool of her own blood still being beaten by Peter. Al was sure Peter would kill her and he couldn't do anything about it as Eric was there watching. Christina's chasm incident had been a lesson for them all. The first thing he felt when he heard Four yell out stop was relief which quickly gave away to the familiar feeling of jealous evoked in him when it came to Tris when the elder boy tenderly picked her up and proceeded to take her to the nurses office.

He had caught Four's worried glance and knew that the boy cared way more than he should for a certain Blonde, stiff initiate of his.

He'd felt his heart sink when he wasn't placed on Tris team for Capture the flag, his only solace was that after seeing what he did to Will, Peter and his lackeys generally left him alone. When the game was over he'd wanted to congratulate Tris for whatever part she'd played and felt his sink even more when He saw that four was quietly congratulating her to the side. Later he felt his heart turn black as he watched her interact with Uriah full force on the train and heard of how she climbed the Farris wheel with Four.

If anyone had bothered to ask him at the time, he'd have said that the stabbing of Edward honestly relieved him. It had saved him from being eliminated out of the rankings by just a hair.

Finally came knife throwing and Eric was not at all pleased. Due to his loss in the Capture the flag game he was livid. His anger filled the room like poison. It was that day in the training room he'd realised just how strong Tris was. He had foolishly revealed his Candor to Eric and as punishment had to stand in front of a target as Four threw knives at him. He was extremely afraid and then she came to his rescue, His Angel, His Saviour, His Tourniquet. She called Eric a coward and as such took his place.

And then he realised it fully for what it was coming from Candor he could read signs fully well and he didn't like what he saw.

Tris though coming from Abnegation was truly brave and didn't deserve a coward like him. She completely trusted Four, Four cared deeply for Tris and he was teasing her but reminding her of the screw-up she was saving, even when he threw his final knife piercing her ear it was to cover up his feelings and make Eric think that he wasn't going easy on her. Later that day he talked and joked with her and thanked God he had given him such a beautiful salvation. However the day after that was visiting day and then their rankings would be posted and even though he would be staying just barely, he wasn't looking forward to looking at his parents with the knowledge that he was just barely satisfying their wishes.

So he being the coward he was hid and refused to go out and see his parents. He knew they would come however he didn't want them to see the boy he was now, would they recognize him if they saw him? He hadn't changed much looks wise despite being fitter and having more muscle. However he didn't even remember himself from before he came to Dauntless. Then she came and pulled him out of his silent suffering and sat with him.

He had decided that then was a good time to let her know that he liked her, that he'd loved her and hoped that she'd return his feelings. He was a fool for thinking she would, a courageous angel such as herself didn't deserve a whimpering coward such as himself. Still her reluctance to accept his approach and her brushing of his arm from her shoulder still hurt and pierced his heart like a knife sharp and furiously and as she retreated from the room leaving him there Al felt his tainted black, heart break.

He felt his heart go black as Eric dismissed them and it went even blacker as he saw her rise in the rankings.

So when Peter approached him in needing his help in scaring the stiff he agreed, after all if he didn't reveal he had apart in it and scared her well enough she'd realise she needed protection right? His protection. Also maybe scaring her would help to numb the pain of her rejection. He wished he had realised the malice behind Peter's lies but then the boy was too good a liar.

He felt the rage build up in him as he watched Peter grope along her chest but as he was a coward he didn't mutter anything but a 'stop that'. He was coward and that was his only thought as he watched Peter hang Tris over the Chasm it replayed over in his head like some kind of mantra.

When he'd heard the yell he took off running but not before glancing in the direction of Tris saviour and saw that Tobias was beating Drew to a bloody pulp.

Later after attacking her he couldn't show his face at training sick at what he'd done and he was hoping that if he gave her relief from seeing him.

So he poured his heartfelt feelings into his apology really hoping that the selflessness she'd been raised into would come into play however his broken heart was further crushed when she spoke quietly but strongly and said she would kill him if he ever came close to her again.

After hearing that…..

He'd wanted to die.

So hear he was staring into the Chasm, gripping tightly unto the railing trying to feel something but nothing came to him but all the feelings of pain and regret he'd been gripping with since initiation began.

His Parent pushed him into this…he didn't want to be here.

Tris should have forgiven him, she should have loved him.

It wasn't his fault he wasn't any good at half the stuff they did in Initiation.

The nightmares were slowly killing him.

And then he realised that he was being a coward and his Candor side, his true self kicked in,

The choice was always his he could have defied them no matter the cost maybe he would have been happier.

He should have done what he did and Tris had the right to choose whoever she wanted in her life.

He could have tried harder, if he had fought in the beginning he would be better off now.

The simulations weren't real; he had to learn to control his fear.

He didn't like what the real him revealed but at least he would die noble and true.

He climbed over the railing still gripping on tightly.

He said a silent prayer, begging God for his salvation to return however he doubted he'd be saved. He was too lost.

His body and his mind wounded by Dauntless and years of not fitting in were screaming out, crying out for the sweet kiss of death and the refuge of the grave. His soul was crying out for a different kind of refuge however he knew he was beyond saving.

He would be denied in death just as he was in life.

And with that he let go of the railing ending his life the echo of I Love you Tris sounding from the chasm but falling on death ears.


End file.
